Have just returned from a meeting having learned some excellent new examples of 'Business English'

Here they are with translations

That's a very good point and thank you for bringing it up = Fuck off and never speak to me or anyone else about that again.

It's a very good idea but I do think it needs careful consideration = No.

That's certainly something we are considering for the future = No

I'd love to do that but we really need to be sure that we can use it to it's fullest potential = No

Thank you, I will certainly take that away and consider it within our current strategy = I've already forgotten what you said.

Well I think this meeting has been very useful = I'm bored and it's lunchtime.

I hope this will be the first of many such meetings = I don't get enough opportunities to rub my underlings faces in how pwerless they are.

It's very good to see so many ideas being generated = Who the fuck told you you could start thinking for yourselves you jumped up little pencil pushers.

No doubt there will be more.

Wedding

Trying to find wedding photographers which is proving difficult. We are looking for people who are a) good and b) not ridiculously expensive, and every photographer we look at ticks one of the two boxes. Apparently we have to have pictures of us getting ready. I don't think that's a good idea. I don't really need a set of pictures of me looking queasy and L is going to take long enough as it is without pausing for photos. I think i know now why they say that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. its because you get to lie back at the end of the day, with your perfect bride in your arms and think to yourself "Yes! for the first time in what seems like years I don't have to help plan a bloody wedding tomorrow!" Although by that point we will already be missing the dog. Maybe we can sneak him into the hotel room.

Oh that's right I had a blog. I was reminded because I have been asked to set up some blogs for people at work, except they must be monitored and editied -how do I point out that the best blogs are allowed to roam free, like fowl of some sort.

The Special K Diet

One of my friends has decided to go on the special K diet. (her boyfriend seems to be on it as well, though more to avoid arguments since he really doesnt need to loose weight). Im all for loosing weight and being healthy, something I really need to do, but my problem with the special K diet, apart form the fact your only meant to do it for two weeks, and everything you loose int eh first week will probably just be water, is that in a nutshell it boils down to this:

Eat one bowl of special K for Breakfast, another bowl for lunch, and have a healthy and nutritious meal for dinner.

If I were capable of regularly making healthy and nutritios meals i wouldn't need to diet in the first place...

SIgn at Sainsburies

Was shopping the other day and noticed a sign at the checkout.

"We will only sell knives to people over the age of 16."
"We will only sell glue products to people over the age of 18"

So when exactly did glue become more dangerous than a knife. I can just imagine the scene in a dark alleyway:

"I've a knife"
"I've got some Prit-stick"
"Fuck, leg it lads."

Now it maybe that they aren't selling glue because of it's potential to be self abused (i.e. glue sniffing, although i sniffed a Prit-stick for about half an hour once and got nothing.) but even then where is the sense in that- we are selling something that could be used to hurt yourself or other people to younger people than we are selling something that might hurt you and only you if you abuse it. It's kinda puzzling.

No sign of rogue cat. but perhaps thats just what it wants me to think.

Cat wars

Have conclusive proof that my cat is being bullied. For those who don't know my cat is 17 years old, and thus quite old and frail (and yes at times a little forgetful about the location of litter trays, hence pressing need for laminate flooring downstairs). Cat's food is in the kitchen, which is open to the outside world via two catflaps. I was in the kitchen early this morning, having just fed cat, when I saw out of the kitchen window a furry grey shape moving purposefully towards the house. A minute or so later an evil looking cat ( For those who know my cat, yes more evil then that. My cats face is not evil it is the face of a seventeen year old cat that has been through a lot in its lifetime, hence cloudy eye etc.) peers through the cat flap. My cat is happily chomping away and doesn’t notice it. I stare at evil food stealing cat. It stares at me. Seconds pass. Then evil food stealing cat shoots off up the garden and I consider charging after it with a blunt object. next time I will have a hose or something ready.

Now that I know there is another cat coming in, and my cat does not just have odd eating patterns, I need to decide what to do about it. I think some sort of trap is in order. or possible a bowl of cat food dosed with laxatives (again for those that know my cat, by this I mean dosed with more than the usual amount of laxatives- who knows maybe evil food stealing cat is bit blocked up and has found eating my food helps.)

Still, as the quote goes " We have met the enemy and he is grey and while and fairly tubby" The foe is no longer hidden by the fog and shadows. The line is drawn. Battle will begin. Maybe a spray of some sort, or one of those things that makes a noise is in order.

Carling Song

Having set up this blog, I'm not entirely sure who will see it, or indeed what I'm actually planning on putting on it. So rather than start my blog with an in depth anaysis of the reasons I felt it was important to create this blog(boredom), what i felt my writings could tell people (very little), or how I saw it as a key stage in my development as a writer (futt nose) I have decided to post this song about discount Carling I have just written for work:

‘Oh My Carling’
(To the Tune of ‘Oh my darling, Clementine’

In the Locos, in the Uni
Special offer for a time
Only one pound thirty fiver
For a Carling that’s so fine.

Oh my Carling, Oh my Carling
Oh my Carling, you’re so fine
You will soon be gone for ever
Cos your only one pound thirty five

Cos were going to change to Carlsberg
Not much longer will be mine
That sweet nectar we call Carling
Only one pound thirty five.

Oh my Carling, Oh my Carling
Oh my Carling, you’re so fine
You will soon be gone for ever
Cos your only one pound thirty five

Offer starts tonight at seven
You’ll expect to see a sign
As we drink all the cheap carling
That’s only one pound thirty five

Oh my Carling, Oh my Carling
Oh my Carling, you’re so fine
You will soon be gone for ever
Cos your only one pound thirty five